Sheldon: It turns out being sweet isn't enough to keep a girl these days. I blame Madonna.

Howard: And I wish Leonard never told me. He's the bad guy here.
Bernadette: I guess that's true.
Howard: And you let Penny marry him. Compared to that, who cares if I bought a George Clooney limited edition Manscaping kit.

Amy: Stuart, believe it or not, I understand. You know, before I met Sheldon, I was alone for a really long time. I was so desperate for people to like me, when I met these guys, it took everything in my power to hide my insecurity.
Stuart: Okay, we're all feeling it. Yes, I'll go out with you.

Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hi.
Amy: Ready for the aquarium?
Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.
Amy: If that makes you more comfortable.
Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list.

Sheldon: Raj, you're probably wondering why Amy and I aren't showing any affection to one another.
Raj: Didn't even crack the top ten.

Penny: What's this?
Sheldon: Leonard told me what happened, so I took it upon myself to make you a hot beverage.
Penny: Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Sheldon: I know.

Leonard: Hi, I'm calling about your marriage counselling services and I was curious what your rate is.
Really?
Uhm, okay, is there any kind of discount for length of marriage? We're talking hours here.

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.
Bernadette: Of course.
Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I'm turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.
Bernadette: Aww, I'm honored.
Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard's mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap. And after a while Siri started repeating her answers.
Bernadette: So, I'm your seventh choice.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten. Pretty exciting.

Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard's moving in with Penny. It's difficult not to feel abandoned.
Bernadette: Well, why don't you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.
Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face.
Chris Pratt's all the rage right now. I wonder how he'd feel about taking the smaller bedroom.

Bernadette: Stuart. He's been living with us for a while now. I'm sure he'd love to get us out of his hair.
Stuart: Nope, couldn't be happier.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon's looking for a -
Stuart: Nope!
Bernadette: He'll think about it.
Stuart: No I won't!

Sheldon: All right, now all that's left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.
Penny: What's the matter?
Leonard: It's harder than I thought.
Sheldon: Let me help you. L-E-O-N-
Leonard: That helped!

Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is, "Why is there a Band-Aid on your forearm?" But then I realized what I really want to ask you is, "Can you just go?"

Penny: So, what are you thinking for dinner?
Leonard: Well, it's Thai food night.
Penny: Well, honey, you don't live with Sheldon any more. You can have anything you want.
Leonard: You're right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue?
Penny: How about Thai food?
Leonard: Oh, thank God.

Raj: But what do you think?
Emily: I think it's very cute.
Raj: Cute? It's not cute. Cute is children dressed as vegetables.

Stuart: All right, I'm not saying it's true, but let's consider for a moment that possibly I'm the problem.
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: You are.
Amy: You can say it.