Amy: Hi, Mom.
How are you doing? Oh, good.
How's work? That's nice.
I'm fine.
Hey, listen, I've been meaning to ask, how come Aunt Doe and Aunt Florence never got along?
Penny: Okay, just give me that. Amy broke up with Sheldon, she got her ears pierced and she made us eat penis cookies!
Hang on. She wants to talk to you.

Amy: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

Beverly Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud.
Penny: Hey! Look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
Mary Cooper: Stay out of this.
Penny: Uh-huh.

Penny: You mean like a beta test?
Leonard: Well, technically, this would be an alpha test. A beta test requires people that weren't involved in the development of the appli-
Penny: Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing beta test?
Leonard: No, absolutely you should.

Penny: Oh, damn, they canceled my Visa. Oh, yay, a new MasterCard.

Penny: All right, time to open bachelor number two.

Penny: Oh man, did the KISS Army repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"?

Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don’t work.
Leonard: Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, Voodoo is real. You don't want to mess with Voodoo.

Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me. I'm sorry, just screwing with you.

Penny: Not even the one on the breast feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one, she got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh my God, you still go left!

Leonard: Besides, can you even name one romantic thing you've done for me?
Penny: I can name tons.
Leonard: And sex doesn't count.
Penny: Oh.

Sheldon: This day just keeps on getting worse and worse.
Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better ...
Sheldon: It probably won't.
Penny: You're probably right.

Leonard: I did not force you to go to that.
Penny: You left the house in a fez and a bow tie. I went so you wouldn't get beat up.
Leonard: I wasn't going to get beat up.
Penny: You were but somehow I held myself back.

Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, "Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill".
Wil Wheaton: Uh, spoiler alert. After the monkey sees, it kills.

Penny: You know, when Leonard's feeling anxious, I make him take a long walk.
Amy: Does that help?
Penny: For a while, then he comes back.