Sheldon: So Bernadette, if I express interest in your baby will you promise not to make me touch it?
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: Hey, how's life with your baby?
Amy: Really? You're never gonna touch their baby?
Sheldon: To this day I've never touched Stuart.

Amy: Sheldon, it's the American way, the peaceful transfer of power.
Sheldon: I don't know.
Leonard: Think about Ant-Man.
Sheldon: I'm always thinking about Ant-Man.
Leonard: Michael Douglas had the suit and then he passed it on to Paul Rudd.
Sheldon: Maybe you're right.
Amy: Really? The Ant-Man thing? That's what won you over?
Sheldon: Yes. He got the details right. That's how you use a superhero.

Sheldon: And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer. Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.

Sheldon: That was fun. It was like Mario Kart.

Sheldon: The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!

Amy: If I may, I'd like to propose a toast. Um, thank you all for coming tonight. I know it's customary for the birthday boy to receive presents, but I feel like I got the greatest gift the day he was born.
Everybody: Aww.
Raj: Hear, hear.
Sheldon: Amy, that was lovely. You know, this is fun. Let's do more. Someone else say something wonderful about me.

Sheldon: It's not the same thing. I don't think you know how I feel at all.
Leonard: Sad?
Sheldon: Hmm, you do get me.

Bernadette: So your evil plan here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That's right. So stay on my good side, or maybe I'll get you a little something, too.

Leonard: Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?
Sheldon: I don't know if you've been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.
Leonard: No one's getting tortured.
Sheldon: Fine, we'll abide by the Geneva Convention.

Amy: It's weird. I don't really feel different, but I guess our lives will never be the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. We're going to work like always. I still put my pants on both legs at a time.
Amy: One day that's gonna end very badly.

Sheldon: Well, I can be helpful. Give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who'd been stealing from the cash register.
It was my father. Yeah, Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.

Penny: You may be right about me and Leonard.
Sheldon: Of course I'm right What are the odds I'd be wrong twice in one week?
Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.
Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.

Sheldon: Now to business. Eighteen years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven't I heard back yet?
Agent Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.
Sheldon: That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning faeces off its shoes.

Leonard: No, her bed kind of ... broke.
Sheldon: That doesn't seem likely. Her bed's of sturdy construction. Even the addition
of a second normal size human being wouldn't cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.

Amy: Okay, what's the next test?
Sheldon: Loyalty. We need to choose someone who has our backs, someone who will keep our secrets even from each other.
Amy: Well, I don't have any secrets from you. Do you have secrets from me?
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, that has been weighing on me for years.