Sheldon: How would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?

Mary Cooper: You know how your daddy used to say that you could only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?

Penny: This is the best cobbler I've ever had.
Mary Cooper: It was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mary Cooper: Lard.

Howard: What's this? (hand movement)
Sheldon:That's what you did. I assumed, as in a number of languages, that the gesture was part of the phrase.
Howard: Well, it's not.
Sheldon: Why am I supposed to know that? As the teacher, it's your obligation to separate your personal idiosyncrasies from the subject matter.

Leonard: Okay, I'm going ask you one more time. We did the work together, let's present the paper together.
Sheldon: And I'm telling you for the last time, it's pandering, it's undignified, and bite me.

Sheldon: Whoo! I'm all sweaty. Anybody wanna log on to Second Life and go swimming? I just built a virtual pool.
Leonard: No, I can't look at you or your avatar right now.

Sheldon: I don't understand your objection, Professor Goldfarb. Why wouldn't the Sonora Desert make a perfectly good Promised Land?
Goldfarb: Go away!
Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Jerusalem.
Goldfarb: Please go away!
Sheldon: Said Pharaoh to Moses!

Wolowitz: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines!

Leonard: I don't think she's a whore.
Penny: Oh no, she's definitely a whore. She has no standards. ... Wait, where's Howard?
*Off screen:*
Wolowitz: Bonjour, mademoiselle. I understand you're new in town.
Sheldon: Oh, good God!

Leonard: A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there's this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won't lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum.

Howard: Hey, I'm damaged, too. How about a hug for Howie?

Leslie: I didn't know you eat here.
Sheldon: We don't, this is a disturbing aberration.

Raj: I don't believe it!
Howard: Neither do I. Doogie Howser's been off the air for like 20 years.

Howard: So who wants to rent Fiddler?
Sheldon: No need. We have the special edition.
Leonard: Well, maybe we are like Haroun and Tanweer.

Howard: Unbelievable! Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a rocket in the park.
Leonard: I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as for telling the policewoman "You have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants"!