Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj: Yeah, you're like the Jar Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard: Oh, meesa think yousa lookin so, so sad.
Leonard: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard: Next time, don't yousa bring mama to work. Okee-day?

Sheldon: What a remarkable woman.
Leonard: Yeah, I thought you guys might hit it off.
Sheldon: I envy you your childhood.
Leonard: I hate to tell you, but the only warm memories I have of my childhood are of my Uncle Floyd.
Sheldon: You're clearly misremembering. Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful, and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon: You were lucky. When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my own electrodes.

Leonard: So, Mother, what's new?
Beverly Hofstadter: You'll have to be more specific.
Leonard: All right. Uh, what's new with you?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, well, I've been having some fascinating menopausal symptoms recently.
Leonard: Maybe something less personal.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh, my God. What happened?
Beverly Hofstadter: His heart stopped beating. I have to urinate.

Howard: So, Dr. Hofstadter, Leonard rarely talks about his incredibly successful brother and sister.
Leonard: Please, don't go there, Howard.
Howard: I understand that unlike Leonard, they're at the top of their respective fields.
Leonard: Boy, you suck.

Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you're lucky, maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.

Penny: I know my dad wanted a boy. I just, I tried being good at sports, but I hated getting dirty!
Beverly Hofstadter: And then, I'm assuming you entered adolescence.
Penny: Uh-huh. He called me Slugger until I got my first training bra, and then he just stopped playing catch with me. I wasn't Slugger anymore. (As Leonard opens the door) Your mother's here!

Penny: Yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
Penny: Oh, well, I'm an actress.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penny: Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
Penny: Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
Beverly Hofstadter: Tell me about it.

Leonard: Here's your tea, mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Steeped three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Two-percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: One teaspoon sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly Hofstadter: It's cold.
Leonard: I'll start again.

Leonard: (On the phone) I'm really very busy. Is there any way that we can put this off until I have more time to prepare? ... Of course. But, uh, you understand my trepidation.
Penny: What's that about?
Howard: Not a clue.
Leonard: Can't we just postpone it till the spring? Maybe next summer?
Sheldon: This should be fairly easy to deduce. He's holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he's using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn't realize it had been so long. Sure, I guess there's no other choice but to just go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He's referring to an activity he has done before. It's unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test, like perhaps a colonoscopy.

Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawn mower.

Howard: You know, if you can't talk to her, why don't you just text her?
Leonard: Isn't that kind of cowardly?
Howard: Oh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible.
Raj: It's true, but on the other hand you are wearing a bird sweater.
Leonard: Sold.

Howard: Hey. Nice sweater.
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got it for me. It's kind of fun.
Raj: It's got a big bird on it, dude.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah, that's the fun part. We're also getting new curtains for my bedroom, and a dust ruffle, and a duvet, and I don't even know what a duvet is but I'm pretty sure if I did I wouldn't want one, but every time I talk to her about moving out she cries and we have sex.
Raj: You're lucky. With me, it's usually the other way around.

Stephanie: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: Hang on. 130 over 80. A little high. We can attribute that to the stress of sneaking past the security desk.
Stephanie: Where did you get the stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff?
Sheldon: My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on. And by the way, the blood pressure cuff is called a sphygmomanometer.
Stephanie: Thank you.
Sheldon: Didn't they teach you that in medical school?

Leonard: I don't care what you guys think, Stephanie and I are very happy living together. I will give either of you 20 dollars, right now to trade pants with me!