Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so don't operate heavy machinery, and try not to choke on your own drool. [goes to leave] Penny: Wait! You have to help me get into bed. [laughs] "Sheldon has to help me get into bed". Bet you thought I'd never say that!
Sheldon: Yes. Charmed. Your drug-addled candor knows no bounds. [helps Penny into bed]
Penny: You know people think you are this weird robot man who's so annoying all the time and you totally are. But then it's like that movie Wall-E at the end. You're so full of love and you can save a plant and get fat people out of their floaty chairs.
Sheldon: That's a fairly labored metaphor but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

Leonard: Penny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night, he just runs around the apartment.

Wolowitz: I think that you and Penny had a poor night.
Leonard: It wasn't poor. It was ... just fine.
Raj: Dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.

Leonard: Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Double guacamole?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No cilantro?
Sheldon: Nope.
Leonard: You understand why I'm doing this to you?
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: That will be all.

Raj: Ooo, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.

Penny: Look, can we just forget about this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Raj: With your American accent, everything you say sounds stupid.

Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

Howard: Hey, ma, can I have lamb stew for dinner?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Lamb stew? I'd have to go to the supermarket.
Howard: Please? I got a real hankering.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, I can't say no to my little tushie face. I'll be back soon.

Sheldon: I see. I assume since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you're saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go on Howard, dazzle me.
Howard: Well, my power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problem. And that's 24/7 buddy.

Sheldon: You did this, didn't you?
Wil Wheaton: Come on, Sheldon, do you really think I'd break up a couple just to win a bowling game?
Sheldon: No, I suppose not.
Wil Wheaton: Good. Keep thinking that.
Sheldon: Wheeeeatoooon!

Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Penny: I give up. He's impossible.
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist. I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.

Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the '-tator'.