Wolowitz: I think that you and Penny had a poor night.
Leonard: It wasn't poor. It was ... just fine.
Raj: Dude, the fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.

Sheldon: Now remember, you were given powerful pain medication and a muscle relaxer, so don't operate heavy machinery, and try not to choke on your own drool. [goes to leave]
Penny: Wait! You have to help me get into bed. [laughs] "Sheldon has to help me get into bed". Bet you thought I'd never say that!
Sheldon: Yes. Charmed. Your drug-addled candor knows no bounds. [helps Penny into bed]
Penny: You know people think you are this weird robot man who's so annoying all the time and you totally are. But then it's like that movie Wall-E at the end. You're so full of love and you can save a plant and get fat people out of their floaty chairs.
Sheldon: That's a fairly labored metaphor but I appreciate the sentiment behind it.

Leonard: Penny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night, he just runs around the apartment.

Raj: Ooo, big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.

Raj: With your American accent, everything you say sounds stupid.

Penny: Look, can we just forget about this extra stuff and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: Alright. Leonard is attempting to learn why subatomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!
Sheldon: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Barry Kripke: Hey, Cooper. I hear you're going to be on the radio with Ira Flatow from Science Friday next week.
Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
Barry Kripke: My pleasure.
Sheldon: My thanks were not sincere.
Barry Kripke: Ah, but my pleasure is.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Do you want the regular peas or the Le Seur?
Howard: Always Le Seur peas with lamb stew.
Mrs. Wolowitz: You're right. When you're right, you're right. What if they're out of the Le Seur?
Howard: Then get the regular!
Mrs. Wolowitz: All right, you don't have to yell.

Penny: I give up. He's impossible.
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist. I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.

Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the '-tator'.

Leonard: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographical location.
Wolowitz: It's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called "Please don't leave me", while Penny had just moved to the island of "Bye-bye!"

Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!