Sheldon: Delivery men are the unsung heroes of our nation's commerce. It's because of people like you that people like me can limit our human contact. I'd shake your hand but, well, you know.

Penny: You're building a particle detector using super-fluid helium.
Leonard: You know, when you talk like that, I want to take you right here on this table.
Penny: And you know from past experience, this table can not support both our weight.

Raj: Maybe he's playing bingo with his mommy?
Howard: Sad how some guys just can't cut the apron strings.
Raj: Okay, now you're messing with me.

Penny: Doc, you've got see what you're doing is a little creepy.
Dr. Lorvis: You sound just like Sigourney Weaver when I followed her into a restroom.

Penny: Why is everyone so concerned with us setting a date? We're committed to each other. We're happy. A ceremony isn't gonna change anything.
Sheldon: So you're never getting married? It's his whining, isn't it?
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm not a whiner.
Sheldon: It's amusing that he doesn't hear it.

Sheldon: Sorry, kid, you got it worse than a gibbon.

Raj: What are you doing?
Howard: Just playing video games while Bernie does the taxes.
Raj: What are you a little kid? Is she gonna cut your dinner in to little pieces, too?
Howard: She doesn't have to. I filled up on Jelly Beans.

Leonard: I thought you were gonna pretend to be an alien.
Sheldon: I was, but Penny didn't want to. You didn't want to. Bernadette, Amy, Koothrappali and Wolowitz didn't want to. And even I knew it was weird to hire somebody.

Bernadette: Howard, get off of him.
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.

Penny: You're okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Please can I do it with him, please.

Sheldon: Why would you have surgery?
Leonard: Because I can't breathe. I snore. I get sinus infections.
Penny: Back off, he's all mine.

Amy: Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?
Sheldon: I am. If I'm going to a barren, lifeless environment, where the chances of survival are slim to none, I want you there with me.

Josh: This is a little weird, but a lawyer was trying to contact my father, because his name was still on the title for this house.
Howard: W... uh, who's your father?
Josh: Sam Wolowitz.
Howard: S-Sam Wolowitz is my father.
Josh: I know.
Howard: Well, wait, so if we have the same father... I mean, are you saying you're my half-brother?
Josh: I think so.
Howard: Bernadette, weird things are happening out here!

Bernadette: Maybe it's time we tell him he needs to move out.
Howard: We should have done it months ago.
Bernadette: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick.
Howard: Yeah, right, sick. He didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that.

Sheldon: I think it's safe to say you're not in love with me and I'm not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.