Sheldon: You know, I got her an iPhone for Christmas. I'll see where she is.
Leonard: Oh, that's nice. Most people her age don't embrace technology.
Sheldon: Oh, no, she doesn't even know she has it. No, I had my sister slip it in her bag so that I can track her like a sea turtle.
Leonard: Same as when we lost you at the zoo.
Sheldon: Uh, for the hundredth time, I smelled kettle corn and couldn't find the cart.
Leonard: Still doesn't explain how you ended up on the freeway divider.

Leonard: Do you remember when you accused me of trying to sabotage our wedding?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: I've been thinking about it and you might be right. But the good news is I'm pretty sure I know why.
Penny: I'm listening.
Leonard: Penny, after all these years I still feel like maybe I don't deserve you.
Penny: Okay, that is the lamest excuse you could have possibly come up. But I get it.

Sheldon: Oh, I watched a video of the hagfish producing mucus, so I'm gonna change my answer and eat SpongeBob.

Howard: If you really care that much, there are apps now that'll let you hire people to do stuff like errands and wait in lines.
Stuart: People are actually waiting in lines as a job? Boy, makes me feel better about my life.
Howard: Some of these guys make over $20 an hour.
Stuart: And now I feel worse again.

Penny: All right, my advice to you is do it at her place so you can leave when you need to. Uh, tell the truth, make it quick and be prepared for tears.
Raj: Oh, I'm gonna do a pre-cry before I go in there. Really dry myself out.
Leonard: She meant Emily.
Penny: No, I - I really didn't.

Beverly: I'm not surprised Leonard chose to avoid picking me up. He's battled intimacy issues his whole life. Does he have difficulty maintaining erections?

Sheldon: I had a 101 fever. If that's not a time to verbally abuse my loved ones, when is?
Amy: Sheldon, when you're sick, you can be unbearable. That's why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it's ended.
Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?
Amy: No, no, not just that. I mean Detroit is beautiful when it's sleeting.

Sheldon: Oh, I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.
Penny: Public nudity?
Leonard: Eh, that just means going barefoot.

Sheldon: Can you believe they planned a trip to Las Vegas and didn't invite me?
Amy: Did you refuse to apologize and act like they were stupid for being mad?
Sheldon: You know, I liked it better when there was still a little mystery left in our relationship.
Amy: Everyone tried to take care of you, and you were nothing but mean to them.
Sheldon: I can't believe you're not on my side. I was on your side when someone stole your car radio.
Amy: Who else's side could you have been on?
Sheldon: I don't know. A music-loving hobo with a heart of gold?

Raj: He is so cool! No hard feelings, but I'm throwing my hypothetical bra at him.

Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don't understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: Oh, I'm not upset with you. But Amy's pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Stuart: You're darn right it's fair play, you selfish jerk.

Sheldon: Tonight's theme: Flags of countries that have been torn apart, and the women I have a feeling were responsible.

Raj: Maybe we should post a comment back to our fan and thank him.
Howard: What should we write?
Raj: Oh, how about, "We might be Footprints on the Moon, but your kind words sent us over the moon."
Howard: Someday you're gonna make an amazing grandma.

Bernadette: If you think about it, without you he never would have grown into the person he is now. I mean sure, more women may notice him, but I think it's better to have a guy be with you because he wants to be, and not because he doesn't think he has any other choice.
Penny: I never thought about it like that.
Bernadette: Me neither. Not until just now.

Penny: And now Ben Affleck is Batman?
Emily: Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.
Penny: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo + Juliet.
Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard: And it's gone.