Leonard: He just made her laugh, something's wrong.
Raj: Do you see the way she's looking at him?
Howard: Yeah. Like Bernadette used to look at me.
Raj: I keep telling you, close the bathroom door.
Leonard: Ah, did you see that? She just touched his hand and he didn't swat it away. What is happening?
Howard: Okay, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.
Raj: Which is?
Howard: That ain't Sheldon.

Sheldon: More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don't think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname "speed of light Leonard."
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Ha! The eagle has landed!
Howard: And we have splashdown. Wait here, I'm gonna go light a candle. And then we make passionate love.

Bernadette: Saturday night? But I've been working late all week. That was gonna be our night.
Howard: But I have to go. We play as a group. If I'm not there, then everyone will blame you. They'll be all, Bernadette ruined everything. She's the worst. So, you see? I have to play Dungeons and Dragons for the marriage.
Bernadette: You're an idiot.
Howard: I'm your idiot. Forever!

Howard: Hey, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big fan.
Wil: Oh, thanks.
Howard: I'm sure you're probably sick of Star Trek questions, but, Whoopi Goldberg, you ever hit that?

Howard: It was Sheldon.
Leonard: I tried to stop you.
Howard: It's my own fault. I forgot the protocol we put in place after the great ear infection of '06.

Raj: Well if you leave now, you can be back before the gorillas rip the crap out of Charlton Heston.
Howard: Unless Sheldon's there, in which case you'll be trapped forever in his whiny hyper neurotic snot-web.

Howard: Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room, deploy the sensor. Now turn it on.
Leonard: It wasn't on?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Then why did I have to crawl?
Howard: Oh, I guess you didn't.
Leonard: Okay, it's on.
Howard: Good. From this point forward you will have to crawl.
Leonard: I know!

Howard: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?
Amy: No.
Howard: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?

Bernadette: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard: Dont worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.

Bernadette: Obviously, it was a surprise. There was some crying and some yelling.
Howard: Some suggestion of make-up sex that did not go over well, even though it's not like we can get more pregnant.

Penny: What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh. How'd he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.

Howard: There's Leonard. I'll bet he's having a rough day.
Raj: Let's just try to be supportive.
Sheldon: Supportive? He publicly maligned the love of my life, Lady Physics.
Howard: You might not want to mention that to Lady Fiance.

Howard: If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors, I'll have to rewrite most of the code.
Amy: Can you do that?
Howard: Well, these hands were made to do three things: close-up magic, writing code, and the dirty shadow puppet show that got me kicked out of Hebrew school.

Bernadette: Wait a second. I'm doing your laundry?
Howard: Well, honey, it's not gonna do itself. Oh, before I forget. Tomorrow morning, you're driving me to the dentist.
Bernadette: I have to take you?
Howard: You don't have to take me. You get to take me.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. Are you telling me your mother usually takes you to the dentist?
Howard: It's not weird. There's lots of kids there with their moms.