Amy: I made you tea.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: I'm sorry I called you a quitter.
Sheldon: It's okay, I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

Howard: Oh, and I'm a dork for juggling.
Bernadette: Sorry, you're not a dork. (Southern accent): You're a clown. (Regular voice): Tammy Jo, don't say that, you'll make him feel bad. (Southern accent): Look at him, what reason he got to feel good?
Howard: All right, very funny.
Bernadette: Don't listen to her, she's been in a box for, like, 25 years. (chuckles) (Southern accent) Yeah, back when his haircut was fashionable.

Iris scanner: Leonard Hofstadter. Access granted.
Leonard: Hmm. I don't care if this thing's burning out my retinas; it makes me feel special.

Bernadette: Did you tell anyone?
Penny: No, you told me not to.
Bernadette: I bet it was Barbara Chen in retrovirus. She might have heard me throwing up one morning. Every since she got the hearing aid, she thinks she's so great.

Leonard: Look, just because we took our friend in does not mean that Penny and I are afraid to be alone.
Penny: Yeah, this is a special circumstance.
Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon mentioned you tried to get your brother to live with you, as well.
Penny: Yeah, well, a circumstance can happen twice and still be special.

Beverly Hofstadter: Do you agree with that?
Leonard: Well, now that you point it out-
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard: We do seem to keep finding roommates.
Penny: Now you're taking her side?
Beverly Hofstadter: Dear, I would never come between you and Leonard. That's for your parade of roommates to do.

Howard: That's great, now they know where I live.
Raj: What are you talking about? They've always known where you live.
Bernadette: Yeah, if you want to go off the grid, you have to move out of your mother's house.

Bernadette: Want me to put on some Neil Diamond? That always makes you feel better.
Howard: No. You'll get all sexed up, and I'm not in the mood.

Bernadette: So what happens next?
Howard: Phase two: we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.

Zack: Penny, what's up?
Penny: Hey, uh, so I've been thinking about it and I want to take the job.
Zack: Oh, bad news. When my fiance found out that I was offering a job to my ex-girlfriend, she said it was a stupid idea and threw a shoe at me.
Penny: Oh, so there's no job?
Zack: Nope, just a little bump on my forehead.

Leonard: Did you know Raj moved out last night?
Penny: What? Why?
Leonard: "Leonard and Penny, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused. I went to stay at Howard's. P.S. Cinnamon's with me, but if you feel like messing with Sheldon, tell him she's loose in the building."

Raj: Well, no offense, but I didn't go to art school. I have a PhD in astrophysics.
Stuart: Oh, great, it'll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head.

Raj: I didn't think this is where my life would be.
Stuart: Me, either. I'm in a bedroom and you're on a couch. I'm actually winning.

Raj: Can I just stay in the garage?
Bernadette: Don't do that. We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Raj: Thank you.
Stuart: Come on, I'll get you some sheets. Then I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.

Stuart: And if my heart stops, just let me go.