Sheldon: You know, studies have shown that people distracted by emotional issues are poor drivers.
Howard: What about people distracted by irritating passengers?
Sheldon: That would be hard to test, because irritating is a subjective quality.
Howard: Strongly disagree.

Howard: She's actually been keeping herself busy doing wedding research for you.
Amy: Oh, she-she doesn't have to do that.
Howard: She wants to. After all, you were her maid of honor.
Amy: Sheldon, tell your funny story about pretzels.
Sheldon: Oh, right. Yeah, oh, yeah. Did you know that we've been thinking of having pretzels at our wedding? Hmm? No, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. No, rhinos. We're having rhinos at our wedding.
No! (stammers) I got to go.

Sheldon: There's something I need to tell you. Wow, you look amazing! That's not what I need to tell you. But you do!
Amy: What's wrong?
Sheldon: Something incredible just happened. Remember when you were telling me about my bow tie and how a little asymmetry is good?
Amy: Yeah?
Sheldon: My equations have been trying to describe an imperfect world, and the only way to do that is to introduce imperfection into the underlying theory.
Amy: So, instead of super symmetry, it would be super asymmetry?
Sheldon: (gasps) Super asymmetry. That's it! Give me your lipstick.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Just give it to me, you beautiful thing! We have work to do!

Leonard: I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, isn't the real question, "Why aren't you proud of yourself?"
Leonard: No, that is a question - and I ask it a lot - but let's stick with the one I asked you.
Beverly Hofstadter: But why do you think I'm not proud of you?
Leonard: Because you never say it. But two days into chatting with Penny, and you can't stop telling her how great she is.
Beverly Hofstadter: She is great. Honestly, of all of my children's spouses, she's the one that I'm most impressed by.
Leonard: Seriously?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. She's confident, she's thoughtful, and she never complained about you once. I know what kind of strength that takes.

Howard: Now you're gonna want to slowly switch lanes.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Because there are only two, and you're not in either of them.

Leonard: Hey, is Sheldon working on our project again?
Colonel Williams: Did he say that?
Leonard: No, he wouldn't tell us.
Colonel Williams: Huh. So he can keep his mouth shut. How do I get him to do that?

Penny: Now, why don't you go wash up, and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Sheldon: Okay. (Sheldon leaves)
Leonard: (surprised) What did you do? Are you a witch?

Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: I know. But, you know, it's only birth to five. What do we do when he turns six?
Leonard: Take him to the zoo and leave him there.

Leonard: Aw, man, what happened?
Howard: It crashed. It's been doing that lately. I think it's got a virus from all the music I've been downloading.
Raj: What kind of music?
Howard: Mostly Asian. Some oldies.

Sheldon: What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy, a cake made with salt instead of sugar or a cake iced with congealed gravy?
Leonard: That is a trick question. The answer is: you as the groom.

Sheldon: All right, you ready for your next one? Just a warning, this one's a little annoying. (imitates a high-pitched siren)
Leonard: Let's take a little little break, I'm getting a headache.
Sheldon: Aw, right in the middle of our fun game.
Leonard: Yeah, weird.

Amy: Now, if you'll excuse me, told Sheldon I was going to the market, so I'm taking some of your stuff. [raids the fridge] I was never here.
Leonard: Sometimes you don't see it 'cause she's next to Sheldon, but she's pretty weird.

Sheldon: Uh, uh, hold on. Hold on. First, we have to read the minutes from last month's meeting. Amy, would you do the honors?
Amy: Why not? "Saturday, March 3rd.
7:05, meeting called to order.
7:06, president gets shampoo in eye.
7:07, meeting adjourned."

Sheldon: And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer. Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.

Sheldon: I call this meeting of the Council of Sheldons to order. Let's take roll. Science Sheldon?
Science Sheldon: Present.
Sheldon: Texas Sheldon?
Texas Sheldon: Howdy.
Sheldon: Fanboy Sheldon?
Fanboy Sheldon: Greetings.
Sheldon: Germaphobe Sheldon?
Germaphobe Sheldon: Say it, don't spray it.
Humorous Sheldon: Where's Jock Sheldon?
Sheldon: Not the time, Humorous Sheldon!