Raj: Now it's happening to me. Ooh, I should probably make a list of all the scientific inaccuracies in Mamma Mia 2.
Penny: You're gonna go on live TV and admit you've seen that movie?
Raj: Hey, your husband's the one who took me.
Leonard: Meryl Streep and Cher? Yeah, I saw it.

Interviewer: I'm about to start recording. Are you guys ready?
Amy: Sheldon, are you ready?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Interviewer: Great. So, Dr. Cooper, my first question is for you.
Sheldon: Oh, goody.
Interviewer: Would you say that your paper is an extension of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski?
Sheldon: ... I'll be in the car.

Howard: How you doing?
Bernadette: Fine. Why?
Howard: Well, this is the furthest we've ever been away from the kids. I was just checking to see if you're okay.
Bernadette: I'm on my second Jack Reacher. I'm doing great.

Amy: What's wrong?
Sheldon: Why do you assume something's wrong?
Amy: Because you haven't touched your dinner, and you're literally ticking like a bomb about to go off.
Sheldon: Oh, Amy. You see through me like one of Penny's shirts.

Penny: So, I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing.
Sheldon: Interesting. So you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant.
Penny: Well, there's a little more to it than that, but, yeah, sure.

Bernadette: You realize it's been years since we've got away just the two of us.
Howard: I know. I can't wait. Fancy hotel room. The big bed.
Bernadette: Yeah. We're gonna sleep our asses off.

Leonard: Was Amy suspicious when they had to let your dress out?
Penny: No. She was so happy, she didn't even question it.
Leonard: Someone's gonna figure it out. Why don't we just tell people?
Penny: No, it's too early. I haven't even wrapped my head around it.
Leonard: I have. My head is wrapped.
Penny: Yeah, well if something else had been wrapped, we wouldn't be in this situation.

Amy: I don't know, Barry. It sounds a little sleazy.
Barry Kripke: Well, let me know if you change your mind. Sleazy is where I thrive.

Barry Kripke: Oh God, I hate that guy.
Sheldon: That's strange; you seem quite fond of him.
Barry Kripke: I was only being polite. Pemberton is a grade A weasel.
Sheldon: How do I know you're not just being polite when you say it's nice to see me?
Barry Kripke: I have literally never said that to you.

Amy: I can't believe you're taking this out on me. I was just trying to get publicity for our paper.
Sheldon: By making it seem like it was your idea?
Amy: I didn't write the headline, Sheldon. Did you even read the article? Because I talk about you continuously.
Sheldon: I know, and it just made you sound modest and charming.
Amy: Why can't you just be proud of me?
Sheldon: I am proud of you.
Amy: Really? Because you sound jealous.
Sheldon: Well, I'm that, too. I've seen Inside Out. I know I can feel two things at once.
[Bernadette fires at them]
Amy: Ow!
Sheldon: Ow! Well now I feel three things.

Howard: And then Andy said if we want privacy, we should plant some trees. The only way I know how to do that is to give a dollar and tree shows up in Israel.

Leonard: Uh, hurry. Raj is on next.
Penny: All right. I can't believe they canceled Vampire Diaries but they'll show this.
Leonard: This is the news.
Penny: And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point?

Leonard: Just tell me the truth, Mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments.
Leonard: So that's all I was to you, a-a test subject?
Beverly Hofstadter: No, you were my baby and I found you fascinating.
Leonard: Really?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, watching you develop, tracking your progress. I know I'm not the warmest of parents, but it was time we spent together, and, honestly, those are some of my fondest memories.
Leonard: When did you stop?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I can't tell you. The experiment isn't over.

Denise: If you want cold medicine, Stuart has the entire run of DayQuils, including the rare "DayQuilt" misprint from 1996.
Stuart: What can I say? I'm a collector.

Amy: You're really letting your father pick out a wife?
Raj: Why not? Arranged marriages have been working for thousands of years. Anu and I come from similar backgrounds, our families get along and we each filled out questionnaires, so we know we're not wasting our time with someone who's not compatible.
Penny: Oh, that sounds so dry and clinical.
Sheldon: You lucky duck.