Mrs. Wolowitz Who is it?
Howard: It's Leonard.
Mrs. Wolowitz You're gonna have to play outside. I'm not dressed to receive!

Mrs. Wolowitz What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
Howard: We're just talking, ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz If you don't settle down right now, I'm not going to let you have any more sleepovers.

Beverly Hofstadter: Your scan data will be very helpful to my research. You have a remarkable brain.
Sheldon: I know. Although, I've always hated how my right frontal lobe looks in pictures.
Beverly Hofstadter: Common complaint among men. Nothing's ever big enough. Except when they get a tumor, Then you never hear the end of it.

Beverly Hofstadter: Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverly Hofstadter: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why? They're not my accomplishments. I have to urinate.

Beverly Hofstadter: Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

Beverly Hofstadter: If you want to have intercourse with that girl, find out what kind of cologne her father wore.

Beverly Hofstadter: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.

Penny: I'm Penny. I'm his neighbor.
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm Beverly Hofstadter.
Penny: Nice to meet you. *Offers to shake hands*
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, you're a hand shaker. Interesting.

Penny: I'm curious. What was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think you mean young. He's always been little.

Penny: What was he like when he was young?
Beverly Hofstadter: You'll have to be more specific.
Penny: Oh, like five or six.
Beverly Hofstadter: *looks at Penny*
Penny: Five.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Well, at that age he was well enmeshed in what Freud would call the phallic stage of pyscho-sexual development. An outmoded theory, of course, but the boy did spend most of his waking hours with a tight grasp on his penis.

Penny: You must be Leonard's mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I don't know whether I must be, but yes.

Penny: It's out of order.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, I can read the sign. I was just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Beverly Hofstadter: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust which indicates the elevator has been non-functional for a significant period of time, which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the - I assume - 24-36 residents of this building - based on the number of mail boxes and typical urban densities - or a shared delusion of functionality.

Barry Kripke: Hello. How did I walk past you? I'm Barry.
Penny: Penny.
Barry Kripke: That's not a very hot name. I'm gonna call you Roxanne.

Barry Kripke: Hello to you, too!

Leonard: How was rock climbing?
Barry Kripke: He passed out. He just hung there like a big salami.