Sheldon: I want you to work for me again.
Raj: 'For you' or 'with you'?
Sheldon: In this context, 'for me' can mean 'with me'.
Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: I'll take the job. See you Monday.

Raj: If anyone's interested, I'll be spending this Valentine's in the same way I spend every Valentine's. Buying a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket, taking it home, standing over the sink and eating it out of the package with my bare hands like an animal.

Penny: Oh man, did the KISS Army repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"?

Penny:I think we can make it.
Leonard: Make what?
Penny: Make it as friends.
Leonard:Can we be friends that are having sex?
Penny: What?
Leonard: Don't worry I was just goofin' around.
*Leonard and Penny got out of Sheldon's room*
Sheldon: *dreaming* Not Goofy, no!

Howard: Maybe that's what this whole thing's about. You're not mad at me, you're mad at yourself.
Raj: No, I'm mad at you. I hate myself, but I'm mad at you.

Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don’t work.
Leonard: Really, that’s the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, Voodoo is real. You don't want to mess with Voodoo.

Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me. I'm sorry, just screwing with you.

Sheldon: Attention, everyone. I'm Sheldon Cooper. As those of you in the physics department might know, my career trajectory has taken a minor detour.
Barry Kripke: Off a cliff.

Beverly Hofstadter: It's all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral ticks that accompanied you learning to masturbate.

Barry Kripke: Let me ask you a question. At what point did National Public Radio have to start scraping the bottom of the barrel for its guest? Don't answer, it's rhetorical.

Leonard: You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don't have to do it.
Raj: In fact, it's better if you don't. Otherwise, it makes the rest of us look bad.

Howard: (Singing) Bernadette, I am so sorry for... trying to propose to you. Bernadette, you found it creepy, but... that's just the kind of thing I do...Aaaaaaaaahhh. I know now it's too soon to talk of love, it was just a crazy idea that came to me in my tub. Bernadette, give me one more chance, Sweet Bernadette. I'll get the hang of this thing they call romance, Sweet Bernadette. I dream to once again kiss your lips, Sweet Bernadette. Sincerely Yours, Howard Wolowitz! Bernadette. (Song Ends) Thank you, Cheesecake Factory.

Leonard: Hey. Excuse me, I'm looking for a Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Asian Guy: Oh, so you're here about the room?
Leonard: Yeah.
Asian Guy: Run away, dude.
Leonard: Wait. What?
Asian Guy: Run fast, run far!

Sheldon: Like the proverbial cheese, I stand alone. Even while seated.

Leonard: How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?
Howard: Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn't bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant that she was gullible and open to a little probing.