Sheldon: If you plan on having children I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

Bernadette: You're a putz. Do you what that means?
Howard: Yeah. Do you?

Amy: I study the brain, the organ reponsible for Beethoven's 5th Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.

Sheldon: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?
Sheldon: It's still six spots above Steve Jobs.

Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon: Are there beans in it?
Priya: Yes.
Sheldon: Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it. But you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

Sheldon: I must confess I don't understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there's simply no talking to me, why did you call? I'm sorry, someone's on the other line. Why don't you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we'll try again later.

Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Haven't seen you in a while. How's it going?
Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my micro-villi into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?
Penny: I don't know. Maybe, I have no idea what you said.

Howard: (To Raj) Really? That's your question? When did he put a ramp in?

Sheldon Cooper: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.

Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?

Sheldon Cooper: It's still 6 spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.

Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.

Sheldon Cooper: One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.

Steve Wozniak: Thanks. We were shooting for nifty. You know if you had it here I'd autograph it for you.

Sheldon Cooper: Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes depending on how the buses are running.

Steve Wozniak: (To his wife) Nerds!

Penny: You guys should've seen Leonard when I first met him. There was no eye contact. He was either looking up at the ceiling, or down at his shoes.
Amy: I'm drunk.
Penny: You know, for the first couple of months, whenever I would take off my bra, he would giggle and say, oh boy, my breast friends.

Sheldon: All right, pick a card.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.
Howard: What's with the wand and the beep?
Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh, excuse me, I'm getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning's ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.
Raj: These cards have bar-codes on them. The wand is a reader. It's transmitting to your phone.
Sheldon: I said, ta-da. Show's over.

Sheldon: Just keep in mind, should you ever need a slightly apathetic, tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.

Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Penny: Sheldon, it's Saturday night. You'll be doing laundry.
Sheldon: Don't tell him that. Tell him the mask thing.

Bernadette: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm never speaking to Priya again.
Penny: No, don't do that. No reason to be mean to her.
Amy: This may be the alcohol talking, but I believe there is. Are you familiar with the recent study of Tanzanian chimpanzees by Nishida and Hosaka out of Kyoto University?
Penny: No, but I can name all the Kardashians.
Amy: Primates, such as ourselves, have a natural instinct to ostracize ill-mannered members of the troop. Bernadette's urge to shun, scowl or fling her waste at Priya is hard-wired into her DNA.
Bernadette: I don't have an urge to fling my waste.
Amy: Believe me, it's there, we all have it. Hit me with some more booze, and I'll show you.

Howard: Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.