Sheldon: I must confess I don't understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there's simply no talking to me, why did you call? I'm sorry, someone's on the other line. Why don't you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we'll try again later.

Sheldon: We have seven people and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.
Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.
Penny: Yay.
Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.
Penny: Brawny?
Leonard: They're bigger than mine.

Penny: Do you want to join us?
Priya: Oh, thank you, but I have work to do.
Amy: Four women walk down the stairs, how many reach the lobby?

Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Penny: Sheldon, it's Saturday night. You'll be doing laundry.
Sheldon: Don't tell him that. Tell him the mask thing.

Howard: Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.

Amy: That was rude.
Sheldon: He does it all the time. He's a cornucopia of social awkwardness.
Amy: Cornucopia. What a mellifluous word.
Sheldon: Let's make that our word of the day.
Amy: Agreed. And we'll use mellifluous tomorrow.

Penny: Hi. We're just heading out for a drink.
Amy: Because I do that now.
Bernadette: Count your blessings you're not a Tanzanian chimp.
Priya: What?
Penny: Don't listen to her, she's had a lot of ice cream.

Sheldon: I always tell people, if you have only one day in Los Angeles, make it a train day.
Raj: "Train Day?"
Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney's in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars, and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Then finally, we're off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood, for dinner at, that's right, the Hollywood Carney's, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
Raj: I don't think we're gonna do that.
Sheldon: Well, then apparently, you hate fun.

Sheldon: They also took my battle ostrich.
Leonard: No, not Glen.
Sheldon: Yes, the only bird that I ever loved.

Bernadette: It's what I do with Howard. I'm much smarter than he is. But it's important to protect his manhood.

Bernadette: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm never speaking to Priya again.
Penny: No, don't do that. No reason to be mean to her.
Amy: This may be the alcohol talking, but I believe there is. Are you familiar with the recent study of Tanzanian chimpanzees by Nishida and Hosaka out of Kyoto University?
Penny: No, but I can name all the Kardashians.
Amy: Primates, such as ourselves, have a natural instinct to ostracize ill-mannered members of the troop. Bernadette's urge to shun, scowl or fling her waste at Priya is hard-wired into her DNA.
Bernadette: I don't have an urge to fling my waste.
Amy: Believe me, it's there, we all have it. Hit me with some more booze, and I'll show you.

Sheldon: All right, pick a card.
Howard: Okay.
Sheldon: Bippity-boppity-boo.
Howard: What's with the wand and the beep?
Sheldon: The wand is called showmanship, and the beep is none of your business. Oh, excuse me, I'm getting a text message completely unrelated to this magic trick. Oh, look, my dry cleaning's ready. And your card was the five of spades. Ta-da.
Raj: These cards have bar-codes on them. The wand is a reader. It's transmitting to your phone.
Sheldon: I said, ta-da. Show's over.

Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Haven't seen you in a while. How's it going?
Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my micro-villi into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?
Penny: I don't know. Maybe, I have no idea what you said.

Sheldon: May I point out to you all that the screening is first come, first served?
Leonard: Relax, it's 5:00. The movie doesn't start till midnight.
Sheldon: Another way of saying that is: the movie starts at midnight and it's already 5:00. Let's go.

Leonard: What's this?
Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There's baby oil, condoms, and a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.