Howard: Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.

Leonard: What's this?
Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There's baby oil, condoms, and a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the co-founders of Apple computer. He and Steve Jobs.
Penny: Yeah. I know who he is. I watch Dancing With the Stars.

Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes. She's not the free spirit I am.

Amy: Well, granted Penny your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college drop-out who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.

Raj: These mimosas are kicking my little brown ass!

Leonard: Okay fine, I'm-I'm a horrible human being. I'm the Darth Vader of Pasadena.
Sheldon: You're far too short to be Darth Vader. At best you might be a turncoat Ewok.

Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name Leonard. Actually it's Lee but I prefer Trouble.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, look who they let in.
Sheldon: Don't worry Wil Wheaton, I was just leaving. *Holds up the movie can and runs off*

Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don't.
Movie Attendant: Because I'm the petty functionary with the clipboard, bitch.

Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You are a good friend.

Bernadette: That bitch!

Penny: I can't believe you've never read "Eat, Pray, Love".
Leonard: When she comes out with "Eat, Pray, Runaway from a giant boulder", I'll read it.

Raj: Sorry, dude. The thermostat's on my side of the room, so it stays Mumbai hot in here until you turn off that stupid Indian music.
Sheldon: I'll turn off the music when you get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet.
Raj: Oh, too bad. Sheldon's pathologically afraid of birds. Hey, look, Sheldon. Birdie, birdie, birdie.
Sheldon: That's it. Prepare for marshmallow death.
Raj: Eat flaming Nerf.

Sheldon: I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, there's an app for that.

Sheldon: Listen to what Mr. Wil Wheaton is tweeting: "Best seats in house for Raiders screening. Suck on that, Sheldon Cooper."
Leonard: Why do you read his Twitter feed? You know it's gonna upset you.
Sheldon: I believe in knowing my enemy, Leonard. Had Twitter existed at the time, would not General Custer have followed the tweets of Sitting Bull? Would not Lee have followed Grant? Would not Spy have followed Spy?