Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely, I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I’m holding hands with another person.
Amy: I do that, too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.

Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him.
Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Howard: Wait, what are you doing?
Sheldon: You can't talk, you're paralyzed. I get right up in Santa's big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?
Leonard: Uh, okay.
Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
Leonard: This is weird, right?
Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em. And now you're here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly.

Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Sheldon: Well, you remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that, like most things I say, it's probably pure gold. So I started recording it all, and now Alex gets to comb through eight hours of what I like to call Sheldon After Dark.

Raj: Your assistant is totally hitting on this jerk and he loves it.
Sheldon: Well, that's not acceptable. I mean, I'm her boss. She needs to be solely focused on my needs, not distracted by your pasty, androgynous brand of sexuality.
Leonard: I'm androgynous?
Sheldon: Oh, please. look at you with your pouty bee-stung lips.

Sheldon: I want to thank you all for coming on such short notice. In the past, I've reached out to each of you individually, but I believe my present situation requires the collective wisdom of the group. Which, as you can see from your commemorative t-shirts, I have dubbed Sheldon Cooper's Council of Ladies.

Sheldon: Anyway, despite the fact he has a girlfriend, Shilly-Shally has been the recipient of inappropriate workplace flirtations from a young lady.
Amy: It's your assistant Alex, isn't it?
Sheldon: No, no, no. This is Tondelaya della Ventimiglia.

Sheldon: Okay, look. It's not really about Ricardo and Tondelaya. It is really about her boss, who doesn't quite know how to handle this situation and could use your advice. Which is surprising because Dr. Einstein von Brainstorm, he's usually pretty smart about these things.

Raj: Howard built a sex robot.
Howard: That is not true. All I did was build a robot.
Ms. Davis: Did it have six breasts?
Howard: I'm sorry, I'm a feminist, I don't notice things like how many breasts a robot has.

Sheldon: But I came to file a complaint. Somebody has made me feel uncomfortable in the workplace by using language of an inappropriate and sexual nature.
Ms. Davis: And who was that?
Sheldon: You, you dirty birdie. I thought about the things you said to me yesterday, and I realized I'm deeply offended. Now, be a dear and get me one of those complaint forms.

Sheldon: And thanks to you, I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior, I don't have to.

Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.
Leonard: I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon: No, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.

Alex: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Hey. Just playing a little Giant Jenga here.
Alex: Oh, I know, I'm the one who had to buy him the helmet.

Alex: So, do you have any plans this weekend?
Leonard: Well, most of Saturday's gonna be figuring out where to put this game when we're done.

Leonard: Sheldon's assistant asked me on a date last night.
Raj: How could you do that to me? You know I've been working it with Alex for weeks.
Leonard: Working it? You can't even talk to her.
Raj: I talk with my eyes.
Howard: You look like my little cousin when he's dropping one in his diaper.