Leonard: What do you guys think I should do?
Raj: I say you tell Alex your heart belongs to Penny, I provide her a shoulder to cry on, and then roughly half a year later I give it to her good.

Bernadette: Well, Alex is your employee. If she's doing something that's making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.
Sheldon: Oh, no, he's not uncomfortable at all. No, he's loving it. Yeah, he's strutting around like he's five-foot-six.

Bernadette: Sheldon, you need to talk to Alex right away.
Sheldon: Talk to her? That's all you've got? With a cool name like Sheldon Cooper's Council of Ladies, I really expected more. Give me back the T-shirts.

Sheldon: Alex, check my schedule. What does my afternoon look like?
Alex: I think it's pretty wide open. Oh, wait. Here's something at four o'clock. "Give Alex a talking to"?
Sheldon: Well, that snuck up on us, didn't it?

Alex: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yeah, you and me both, sister. Now, please understand, I don't hold you responsible for your behavior because, see, from an evolutionary standpoint, you're a slave to your desire to reproduce. But during the work day, when you feel possessed by amorous intent, may I suggest that you suppress it by leafing through this illustrated book of sexually transmitted diseases? Let's see here. Oh, yes. Check out this oozy doozy.
Alex: I have to go.
Sheldon: So does this fellow, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.

Leonard: Hey, pretty lady.
Penny: Oh, you seem extra happy.
Leonard: Uh, I guess I am.
Penny: Any particular reason why?
Leonard: I don't know, just having a good day. This morning Sheldon fell asleep on the way to work, so I got to listen to the radio. That was pretty crazy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Anything else?
Leonard: Mm. I found this quiz online called "Which Star Trek Character Are You?" and it only took me four tries to get Captain Kirk.

Leonard: And the one thing that could make it even better is an evening with my special girl.
Penny: Oh, and who's that?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Penny: Oh, I just didn't know if you meant me or Alex.
Leonard: Um, why would I mean Alex?
Penny: Because I know she hit on you and I know you liked it.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Don't play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!
Leonard: I'm missing something.

Leonard: Did you say something to Penny about Alex?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did me. All she did was get mad at you.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman. I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything, it's that you cant tell a uterus from a unicycle.
Leonard: At least I know not to blab to a girl about somebody flirting with her boyfriend.
Sheldon: Good to know. Yeah, a few more helpful hints like that, you may find yourself on the Council of Ladies.

Ms. Davis: I called you in today because your assistant Alex Jensen has lodged a complaint against you.
Sheldon: So I've been told. But I can't understand what she has to complain about. I mean, she has a front-row seat as I make scientific history. There's string cheese in my mini-fridge, and that's for anyone. Yeah, and just yesterday I led her away from a life of sexual promiscuity by making her look at pictures of disease-ridden genitalia.
Ms. Davis: Cancel my next appointment. This is gonna take a while.

Sheldon: Well, you, Im just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...
Ms. Davis: Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and Im gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.

Penny: I don't care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.

Leonard: Come here. Tell you a secret?
Penny: What's that?
Leonard: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we're all gonna stop.
Leonard: (impersonating William Shatner) Message received.

Howard: Do you really think you should be drinking right now?
Raj: How else am I supposed to talk to the Human Resources lady?
Howard: I don't know. Seek professional help?
Raj: I did. The guy at the liquor store said this stuff tastes great in coffee.

Howard: Relax. Everything's gonna be fine. Before I met Bernadette I was in here every other day. Uh, little tip, turn off your I Like Big Butts ring tone before you go in.

Sheldon: It has been pointed out to me that some of the things I said to you could be construed as offensive, and I would like to offer you my sincerest apology.
Alex: Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Yeah, additionally, you should know that the university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn't happen in the future.
Alex: Okay.
Sheldon: Yeah. Now, unfortunately, uh, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this, so, um, I'm gonna need you to take it for me. Oh, and, uh, you'd better ace it, they're pretty mad.