Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?
Leonard: I'm having a panic attack.
Sheldon: Oh, okay. Well then, calm down!

Leonard: Most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.

Howard: Excuse me.
Althea: Fill this out, have a seat.
Howard: No, listen. See, we're throwing my friend a surprise party and I'm supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Althea: Uh-huh. Fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: No, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I'm allergic to peanuts.
Althea: Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and then you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
Althea: Is that all you need?
Howard: Yes.
Althea: Get out of my ER.
Howard: No, you don't understand.
Althea: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.

Penny: Hey, jerk face, you forgot your iPod.

Leonard: His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't conceive.
Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?

Penny: So you and Leonard-
Sheldon: Oh dear God.
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh?
Sheldon: A little misunder- Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

Mary Cooper: Everybody grab a plate and a pretty place-mat that Shelly wove.

Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP racing down fiber optic cable at the of light to San Francisco bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the external receiver attached to this...lamp.

Sheldon: Oh, and one more thing, it's on bitch.

Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's bar mitzvah party.

Leonard: What's this?
Sheldon: Tea. it's costumary to serve hot beverages when one is in emotional distress. [pats Leonard's head] There there. You want to talk about it?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Thank godness. 'There there' was really all I had.

Penny: Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard.

Sheldon: What kind of sick?
Penny: Oh, the flu, I guess.
Sheldon: I don't need you to guess, I need you to know. Now, when did the symptoms first appear?
Penny: Maybe Friday!
Sheldon: Friday! Was that morning or afternoon?
Penny: I don't--
Sheldon: Think, woman! Who blew their nose and when?

Howard: You've already got Penny?
Leonard: How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have Penny?
Leonard: Hell, no!

Mary Cooper: Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm going to end with "In Jesus name". Now you two, don't feel under any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.