Denise: That's a lot of bruises.
Stuart: Yeah, well, you shot me a lot of times. That's not even counting the bruises on the inside.
Denise: 'Cause I hurt your feelings?
Stuart: Let's hope that's all it is.

Howard: This is just delightful.
Bernadette: Do you think he knows we're the ones that got him in trouble?
Howard: Who cares?
Bernadette: I do. I met his wife. She seems really nice.
Andy: Sorry about the noise, neighbor!
Howard: No problem!
Andy: Hey, you guys know a Sheldon Cooper?!
Bernadette: No, we do not!

Leonard: Hey, buddy, how you feeling?
Sheldon: [moans] Aw. Five more minutes?
Penny: Hey, Amy. Relaxed?
Amy: I'm a failure! I can't do this!
Sheldon: Can someone close her lid? She's kind of harshing my mellow.

Sheldon: That tank was amazing. It was like Disneyland, but the rides were in 35 dimensions. And instead of Mickey, I had my picture taken with the concept that time is an illusion.

Denise: Okay, guys, we need some people to stay here and guard the flag and some people to move out and try to capture theirs.
Leonard: Okay. Sheldon, do you want to stay here and?
Sheldon: What? Hold down the fort? 'Cause that's all I'm good for. Is that what you were going to say?
Amy: You know that's not what he meant.
Sheldon: Oh, why don't you go out there? Maybe you'll be the neurobiologist who revolutionizes paintball.
Amy: Stop it. You're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Maybe it's just my poor people skills.
Amy: Oh, it's definitely your poor people skills.
Howard: All right, the choices are get shot at or stay here and listen to them fight.
Leonard, Denise and Howard: Shot at.

Raj: Well, I haven't met her yet, but her name is Anu. My father says she comes from a good family. She's in her 30s. She works in hospitality management. So, as long as I can get through six to ten dates without revealing my true self this is happening.

Zack: Well, Leonard, we were hoping you'd go in on Monday.
Leonard: Okay.
Marissa: And they say, for the best results, between now and then, you shouldn't have sex.
Zack: Sorry, bro, I know it seems impossible to go for five days without, but I believe in you.
Leonard: Five days? My record is 24 years.
Penny: Uh, I think that also means no flying solo.
Leonard: Oh. Then my record is 14 years.

Howard: It's a scooter. It can go on some highways.

Howard: Oh, gosh, my Russian's a little rusty.
Raj: If it helps, this word may be "moose."

Leonard: I'm done enabling him. Like, this is his spot and-and the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level, even though he doesn't even live here anymore and I'm always chilly.
Raj: Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time?
Leonard: Why would-- Yes! To accommodate Sheldon! And what-what about this-this thing? Why is it here? I'll tell you why. Because it was here when I moved in, and, for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it.
Amy: Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it. Put it in the closet.
Leonard: You know what, I will. [Leonard tries to move the helix structure. Lots of little beads fall off and come crashing to the floor]
Raj: I bet that's the reason.

Raj: I know that, but I can't do this on my own. I need your help.
Dr. Koothrappali: (sighs) Well, then, I'm going to need your help, too. If I'm going to find a woman to set you up with, you're going to need to stop Instagramming pictures of you and your dog wearing matching sweaters.
Raj: Fine, if that's what it takes to show you that I'm serious. Uh, quick question. Do you mean just Instagram, or all my social?
Dr. Koothrappali: All of them!
Raj: Okay, deal.

Stuart: I'm picking her up in an hour. What am I gonna do?!
Howard: Don't you mean what are you gonna "Oompa Loompa doompety do"?

Bernadette: Look, it's only a spray tan. It'll fade in a couple days. Why don't you cancel the date and reschedule?
Stuart: Oh, but I was really looking forward to tonight.
Bernadette: You know what? Then go. Tell her what happened. Maybe she'll be flattered.
Howard: And if not, swing by the chocolate factory and see if they're hiring. That wasn't a joke. That was a legitimate suggestion.

Sheldon: I met my wife here, and we sat at this very table, so if you play your cards right, in eight years, you could marry this woman.
Greg: That's my sister.
Sheldon: Well, don't tell people. That's not okay.

Stuart: Ow. I'm hit. Ow. I said I was hit.
Denise: Sorry.
Stuart: Ow. Why do you keep shooting me?
Denise: Why don't you want to move in with me?
Stuart: I-I didn't say I didn't want to.
Denise: No, you just ran away. Stuart? Stuart?! Did you run away again?
Stuart: [in the distance] No.