Sheldon: I asked myself what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind. Toll both attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

Leonard: Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here.
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.

Sheldon: I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist.

Leonard: This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh, wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue.
My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?

Leonard: Who's miserable and alone?
Raj: Me.
Leonard: Oh, I used to be like that. Then I got a girlfriend.
Sheldon: In pre-1976 terms, neener-neener.

Leonard: Okay, I know what'll cheer you up, let's play one of your driving games.
Sheldon: All right. This game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures, you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

Howard: Ow. Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Well, obviously you don't remember your circumcision.

Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

Sheldon: Ill tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard: Sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

Sheldon: Give us the precious!

Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.

Penny: This isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry. *runs off*
Sheldon: Penny, wait, come back. I'll get you ice cream!

Sheldon: I am the proud owner of WilWheatonStinks.com, .net and .org!.What does that tell you?
Wil Wheaton: It tells me that I am living rent free, right here (points to Sheldon's head).

Sheldon: Go Team Leonard!

Raj: Hey, do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
Howard: Well, that's it. We're officially out of things to talk about.