Leonard: So, Mother, I'm surprised you came all this way for Sheldon's birthday.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I was happy to. He did come to my 60th.
Leonard: Oh, you had a party for your 60th?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I wouldn't call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.
Penny: You know, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn't invite her.
Beverly Hofstadter: And I never did thank you for that, dear.

Raj: What do you want to write?
Howard: Something bad-ass. You know, like "Thanks for diggin' our vibe. "We'll keep rockin' if you keep rollin'."
Raj: Dude, if I was wearing a bra, I'd throw it at your head right now.
Howard: I'll keep rockin'. You don't do that.

Raj: Yeah, okay, whatever it takes to keep you busy for a few hours.
Sheldon: Found one.
Raj: No, you didn't. There are millions of data points there.
Sheldon: But, look, an optical transient.
Raj: Yeah, maybe that is something. How did you find that?
Sheldon: It wasn't difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers, they appear red, but when they're twin primes, they're pink and smell like gasoline?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Oh. I guess I'm a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special, he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.

Sheldon: You would never make me kiss you, then say I love you, then break up with me.
Leonard: I wouldn't.
Sheldon: You know why? Because you're a man. The champagne of genders.
Leonard: I may be a man, but I think I'm the one that screwed up on this one.
Sheldon: And you admit it. Like a man. All your hear woman say is "I'll have a salad", "Where's my lip gloss?", "I think this element should be called radium."
That last one was Madame Curie.
Leonard: I figured that out.
Sheldon: You know what? She was sort of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.

Sheldon: She's still not answering.
Leonard: My father's not texting me back.
Penny: 'cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
Leonard: I don't like it either.
Penny: Really? 'cause I love it.

Sheldon: But enough about the Czech Republic. Let's talk about the time Moldova made Romania a birthday cake, and Romania said it tasted good even though it didn't, and yet Romania got dumped. I'll pause here while you mull that one over. I know, right?

Bernadette: I can't believe Sheldon asked you to be his roommate.
Amy: I can't believe he ran my credit.

Penny: Sheldon, can I come in?
Sheldon: How do you know I'm not using the facilities?
Penny: Because you e-mail me your bathroom schedule once a week, even though I've clicked unsubscribe, like, a thousand times.

Bernadette: Speaking of Sheldon, how's single life treating you?
Amy: Fine, I guess. I've been focusing on me. I was thinking about changing my wardrobe.
Penny: Yes!
Bernadette: Good for you!
Amy: But then I decided I don't want to go changing who I am just because of some man.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Good for you.
Penny: You know, it is normal to want to change your look after a breakup.
Amy: Actually, I was thinking of making one small change.
Bernadette: Your sweater?
Penny: Your glasses?
Bernadette: Your hair?
Penny: Your shoes.
Amy: Piercing my ears.

Amy: Piercing my ears.
Penny: Oh.
Bernadette: Oh, you really never had that done?
Amy: My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.
Penny: Okay, well, you're a grown woman now.
Amy: I know, but Sheldon had this clause in the Relationship Agreement forbidding cosmetic surgery unless it's to look like a Klingon.

Amy: Okay. Anyway, um, it's nice to see you. You look good.
Sheldon: Thanks. And I taste good too.

Penny: There you go, you're all done!
Amy: That wasn't so bad. Nice!
Boy, if my mom could see me now, she'd lock me in the sin closet.
Bernadette: That's a joke, right?
Amy: Actually, the joke was on her. I could still see the TV through the slats.
Penny: I'm starting to see why you and your mom aren't very close.

Amy: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.
Amy: It's only been eleven hours.
Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly eleven hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

Barry Kripke: Someone call Animal Control. There's a cougar on the loose.
Beverly Hofstadter: Barry, stop.
Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.

Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?
Leonard: No. Why?
Sheldon: Good. Don't do it.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.