Leonard: Is my coitus whimsically inventive?
Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: I know you're joking, but I'd be okay with that.

Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: You don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.

Leonard: I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don't want to cry on the big screen like that.

Raj: Hey, I just found out that I have to be at the telescope lab all weekend. Any chance you and Bernadette could take care of my dog?
Howard: Why don't you put her in a kennel?
Raj: Why don't you put your mother in a home?
Howard: To be honest, she'd do better in the kennel.

Amy: There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend and he's not made up. Matching cotumes, hickeys and sex tapes. Pick one.
Sheldon: What's a hickey?

Sheldon: How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish. I love them, too. They're fish with a sword for a nose.

Leonard: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard: To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

Sheldon: Met my childhood hero, now I get to ride in an ambulance. Boy, if we can get him to do that calendar, this'll be the best day ever.

Bernadette: Saturday night? But I've been working late all week. That was gonna be our night.
Howard: But I have to go. We play as a group. If I'm not there, then everyone will blame you. They'll be all, Bernadette ruined everything. She's the worst. So, you see? I have to play Dungeons and Dragons for the marriage.
Bernadette: You're an idiot.
Howard: I'm your idiot. Forever!

Amy: Oh, yeah. I'm a man-eater now.
Penny: Okay, for the final touch, this is an eyelash curler. You just place it on your lashes and squeeze it closed.
Amy: Oh, I don't know. Looks like something used by Tinkerbells gynecologist.
Penny: Who I hope for her sake is not Captain Hook.

Howard: I don't know how much longer I can take this. I can't sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux. I'm down to my last three Tums.
Bernadette: You're going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.
Howard: Okay, okay. What am I doing? I'm using up all the oxygen. If I die, promise you'll never have sex with another man.

Sheldon: Should I call myself Professor Proton, Jr.?
Professor Proton: Sounds great.
Sheldon: So, in a way, it's like I'm your son.
Professor Proton: Whatever.
Sheldon: Father.
Professor Proton: Sure, what the hell.

Raj: I'm actually glad Lucy had to work tonight. Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was hanging with my bros.
Howard: Isn't every conversation you two have awkward?
Raj: Painfully so. We have this rule that if no one talks for three minutes, we can just hang up. So into her.

Amy: Well, when we were going through security, I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette: Long story short, she's on the No Fly List and we might have been followed here by a drone.

Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out together. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Stuart: What?
Raj: Oh yeah, think about it. We'd hang out, read comic books, we'd see movies. It'd be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I'd take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Stuart: What?