Leonard: You come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest.
Howard: Excuse me. I'm a married man now. I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile.
Leonard: Great. What do you do?
Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go blublublublublublublublu!

Howard: It's ridiculous that we still have to walk up all these stairs.
Bernadette: Yeah, try doing it in heels.
Howard: I am.

Mrs. Wolowitz Oh please. You're a tall glass of brown water. Have dessert.

Penny: You're unbelievable.
Sheldon: I know.

Howard: You know what we should do? We should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Are you kidding? He’s like a savant at organizing. Everything in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker. And if you look really close at that label maker label, you’ll see a label that says label.

Leonard: Okay Sheldon, to start our quest, you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.
Sheldon: Christmas? You know I don't enjoy Christmas.
Stuart: Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words 'tis' and 'twas'. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everybody knows that socks comes in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard: A pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually, that helps, thank you.

Sheldon: My father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.

Sheldon: I've never played Dungeons and Dragons with girls.
Penny: It's okay, honey, no one has.

Penny: Okay, glasses off. Find Waldo.

Amy: I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon: Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think "a horse goes into a bar, bartender says, 'Why the long face?'", that's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
Amy: Sheldon, are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon: Oh, my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you, I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy: And now?
Sheldon: And now what?
Amy: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.
Amy: Wow. Talk dirty to me.

Sheldon: I found three bowling pins. Do you juggle these or are you missing seven?
Howard: Juggle.
Sheldon: You health nuts kill me.

Raj: Yeah, screw it. I'm going in.
Sheldon: Wait. Hold on. I believe screw it, I'm going in, is what I said to your mother last night.

Sheldon: Leonard, the transformers teach us that things are not always what they appear to be. You know, like, a semi truck might be an alien robot, or someone in a romantic relationship might feel differently than they appear to.

Leonard: What kind of a person steals another person's car in broad daylight?
Sheldon: What kind of person leaves his keys in the car?
Leonard: I thought we agreed this was all Koothrappali's fault.
Sheldon: You're right. (To Raj) Nice going.

Kripke: You guys ever use any toys?
Sheldon: I do have a model rocket next to my bed.
Kripke: A rocket? You're a freak! I love it!