Leonard: It's just a day trip, but we could take the ferry out to Catalina.
Penny: Great, let's do it.
Sheldon: (rushing in to the apartment) Amy's in the bathroom and I need to - (retches, bathroom door shuts, vomits loudly)
Penny: It's like I can hear the ocean already.

Raj: Wow, I-I know you were single back then, but that is a lot of porn-
Howard: Science! A lot of science.
Leonard: Wow, you were really into Asian science.

Sheldon: Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.

Sheldon: What time does the trial period end?
Leonard: 12:00, noon.
Sheldon: Yeah, what does it say after that?
Leonard: Eastern Standard Time.
Sheldon: That was three hours ago. And, uh, since you didn't exercise your right to revoke, I exercised my right to extend, triggering this long-form rental agreement of which you're already in violation.
Leonard: This is just a-a bunch of paper. You can't enforce this.
Sheldon: Hire a lawyer. Let's find out.
Leonard: This is not happening.
Sheldon: Be that as it may, page nine says that you have to provide me with lemon-flavored sparkling waters, so chop-chop.

Leonard: Penny doesn't know how manipulative my mother can be. Did you know there's such a thing as reverse, reverse, reverse psychology? Because there is.

Sheldon: You know, studies have shown that people distracted by emotional issues are poor drivers.
Howard: What about people distracted by irritating passengers?
Sheldon: That would be hard to test, because irritating is a subjective quality.
Howard: Strongly disagree.

Leonard: Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd watch Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Well, did he ever make you-- I don't know-- hate science and the people who do it?
Sheldon: What are you saying?
Leonard: I just think it would be better if your contempt for children wasn't so much in the foreground.
Sheldon: Well, you want me to lie?
Penny: Well, it's not lying. It's acting. Sheldon Cooper may not like kids, but Professor Proton loves them.
Sheldon: Interesting. You know, I hadn't really thought of it that way. It's similar to how I'm afraid of dogs, but my D&D character likes dogs, you know? But he's allergic, so he can't be around them.
Penny: Why don't we have a dog?

Sheldon: This is it.
Pit Boss: Is everything okay, sir?
Sheldon: Oh. Hi. It's better than okay. I am a physicist, and I have been observing this wheel for hours and running a chi-square analysis, which is how I know that the ball is far more likely to land on 32, 17 or five. So if you could hold off on replacing this wheel, I'd like to make several large bets.
Pit Boss: Well, good for you. Pelican.
Sheldon: What's pelican?
Pit Boss: Sir, would you come with us?
Sheldon: Oh, no. I have to place my bet first. This is for science. [carried away by security]
Croupier: 17 black.
Sheldon: No! No!

Leonard: I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, isn't the real question, "Why aren't you proud of yourself?"
Leonard: No, that is a question - and I ask it a lot - but let's stick with the one I asked you.
Beverly Hofstadter: But why do you think I'm not proud of you?
Leonard: Because you never say it. But two days into chatting with Penny, and you can't stop telling her how great she is.
Beverly Hofstadter: She is great. Honestly, of all of my children's spouses, she's the one that I'm most impressed by.
Leonard: Seriously?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. She's confident, she's thoughtful, and she never complained about you once. I know what kind of strength that takes.

Howard: Now you're gonna want to slowly switch lanes.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Because there are only two, and you're not in either of them.

Clerk: Here's your license. Now, if you wait over there, we'll call you when the officiant's ready.
Sheldon: Do we need a blood test?
Clerk: No.
Sheldon: Well, then, how will you know whether or not we have syphilis?
Clerk: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you don't have that.
Amy: Okay, Sheldon, you officially exceeded the number of times I hoped to hear the word "syphilis" on my wedding day.

Penny: Now, why don't you go wash up, and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Sheldon: Okay. (Sheldon leaves)
Leonard: (surprised) What did you do? Are you a witch?

Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: I know. But, you know, it's only birth to five. What do we do when he turns six?
Leonard: Take him to the zoo and leave him there.

Sheldon: How are you feeling?
Amy: Ugh. My stomach aches, I got the chills, my mouth tastes weird, it hurts to swallow, and I've got a little double vision.
Sheldon: Yeah. I'm feeling better, too.

Sheldon: All right, you ready for your next one? Just a warning, this one's a little annoying. (imitates a high-pitched siren)
Leonard: Let's take a little little break, I'm getting a headache.
Sheldon: Aw, right in the middle of our fun game.
Leonard: Yeah, weird.